Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True
by TohkoXKetsueki
Summary: It's exactly what it says. You've stumbled upon something dangerous. Turn back now or you'll be scarred for life. Rated T for future stories.
1. Run, Chicken, Run!

**I don't care if you review this or not.**

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me. **

**After you read this, you'll be glad it doesn't. **

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Run, Chicken, Run!**

Kyouko smiled as she walked into the Dark Moon studio. From afar, she could make out her senpai, Tsuruga Ren. She ran over to him, and eagerly handed him his birthday gift. He looked down at her and smiled as he opened the present.

"That was nice of you to get him a present,"Yashiro exclaimed. He patted Ren on the back and winked. Ren ignored him and continued to unwrap the gift.

_Please don't let it be a pillow. Please don't..._

He froze as he looked in the now opened box. What he saw would scar him for the rest of his life.

"Mogami-san...why did you give me fried chicken?"

His kouhai smiled brightly and replied,"Well, you never eat anything, so-"

"Still, though...Chicken?"

"You always seem to get along with me when I'm Bo the Chicken,"she exclaimed. Then her hands went to her mouth as she realized her mistake. Mogami Kyouko, age 17, had just admitted to Ren that she was Bo. Ren was quiet for a moment, then motioned towards Yashiro.

"Yashiro-san, I want you to put this chicken up in the refrigerator...We'll eat it with Bo later."

Kyouko froze as he said that last line.

The gentleman's smile at full power, he turned towards her and asked, "So you were Bo after all." His smile grew even brighter, then he finished what he was saying.

"Liars burn, Mogami-san...I suggest running--very fast."

And run she did.

**A/N: I hope she actually got him some chicken. That's my favorite food.**

**I switched to using "san" because...Yeah.**

**Tune in next time, folks. I'll scar you for life a second time. **


	2. Chicken The Sequel

**OOC haters, this one is for you.**

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**After reading this story, you'll be glad it doesn't.**

**Turn back now.**

**I'm serious....You WILL be scarred for life after reading this.**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Chicken The Sequel **

All through the night, Mogami Kyouko tossed and turned in her bed. The sleeping pills she had taken had odd side effects and she was beginning to experience them as she had the most horrific nightmare.

In the deep recesses of Kyouko-chan's brain...

"Ren-chan! Oh my gawsh! You look sooooooooo hot in the freezing cold."

Kyouko giggled as her senpai ran over to her, his glittery pink jacket blowing in the wind behind him. He had on designer muffin pants that said, "Too Sexy for You" in red letters and his hair had orange streaks in it. To put it simply, he looked fabulous.

"Hey, babe..Yashii-san said you rang, "he casually exclaimed. He blew her a kiss as he said this, causing her to dramatically fall to the ground as her minions of love basked in his majestic sexiness. He helped her get up and listened as she explained her Natsu predicament.

"Like, the director like wants me to like act like a, like..bitch. I like can't, like, do that cuz I'm like, a really good, like, and nice, like, person...Like, you know?" After Kyouko's nauseating explanation, Ren took her up to his penthouse for bitch training. They ran up the flight of stairs, not realizing that there was an elevator. After climbing seven flights, they reached their destination. Ren flipped his hand towards the door and bowed as Kyouko walked into his walkway.

"Welcome to the House of Tsuruga...OOC is very welcome up in here..."

Outside of Kyouko's mind...

The okami-san frantically shook Kyouko as Taisho hurriedly called for help. The poor girl had been screaming and writhing like crazy for seven hours now because she had taken supposed children's sleeping pills. In actuality, it was really bad chicken that Kyouko had tossed into the fridge last month . In her dazed state after staying up for so many hours, Kyouko must have thought that it was the medicine.

"Why did she keep that chicken,"Okami-san cried. It wasn't like her at all to do such an irresponsible thing. It was as if some outside, evil presence from another dimension was tormenting her in a fanfiction gone wrong. Finally, help came and took Kyouko to the hospital.

"Mo...Moga...Mogami-san."

Kyouko blinked open her eyes and looked up at her senpai's worried face. She drowsily looked to her left and saw Yashiro-san, who cheered as she came to her senses. The cheering didn't last long as Kyouko remembered her horrific nightmare.

"Please forgive me, Tsuruga-sama,"she screeched, "I have had a disturbing dream about you!!" Ren stepped back, embarrassed by her sudden behaviour. Yashiro nervously laughed and reassured Ren that it was just the medicine talking as she told him about the dream.

"I'll never give you chicken for your birthday again! It was six months old when I ordered it from America anyways...this is my redemption!!!" Ren only smiled brightly at this comment and said his words of terror as he realized that she had fed him extremely old fried chicken.

"I suggest you eat more chicken, Mogami-san...It would do you good."

His gentleman's smile glowed ever brighter and the Kyouko grudges basked in his anger.

And so she ate the rest of the tainted chicken.

**The End**

**A/N: I am trying to get inducted into the bad SB! fanfiction community again. That would be such an honor. I hope I can get in a second time...*crosses fingers in anticipation***

**Question: Do muffin pants really exist? O_O **


	3. A Corny Situation

**This probably won't scar you for life.**

**But it certainly scarred Kuu. T_T**

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**I'll bet you're glad it doesn't.**

**A/N: This story takes place a couple of years after the latest chapter. Kyouko is 19 and she is going out with Ren. She already knows about him being Kuon Hizuri and Corn. For the sake of this fanfic, she shall call him Corn.**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**A Corny Situation**

Kuu Hizuri was overjoyed. His wonderful daughter--well, not yet...but one could hope--had come over to the United States with Kuon for the week. She ran over to him and bowed politely before cheerfully asking what he wanted for dinner. He mentioned that he would cook instead--although he really wanted her to cook--but was relieved when she insisted on doing it. By now, he knew that arguing with Kyouko was similar to talking to a rock.

"Hmm...How about steak, baked potatoes, green beans, and corn,"he said, his finger on his lips as he tried to think of anything else. He couldn't, so he just left it at that.

"Alright, father...I shall make it so well you will be proud of me," she exclaimed, going into "Kuon mode". Kuu laughed and assured that he was already very proud of her--and his wife, and his son. They were so great...Oft times he would happily think that they needed to star in their own comic series. He vaguely thought of a name as Kyouko skipped off into the kitchen, her feet moving in a way that caused a interesting beat.

"That's it,"he cried, "It would be called Skip Beat!"

He sunk deeper in his thoughts, as he realized that he and Julie probably wouldn't show up much. Boss would show up considerably and certainly Kuon. So deep were his thoughts, that he didn't even realize that Kuon was standing in front of him. His son snapped his fingers to get his attention, causing Kuu to jump in surprise.

"Did I scare you,"Kuon asked, chuckling. His father chuckled and did his signature "poke move", causing Kuon to look surprised. He grinned and then opened his mouth to say something.

Kuu smiled and pointed towards the kitchen, and exclaimed, "She's in there cooking dinner."

His son thanked him and walked inside. Kuu heard Kyouko cheerfully welcome him with her cute nickname she had given him as the kitchen doors closed.

Thirty minutes later...

"This is so good....I like to taste this."

Kuu chuckled as Kyouko went on about the food she was cooking. Although, since she had never ate a steak from America, he wasn't sure how she would know it was good. Probably by smell or taste test, he realized.

"I like tasting corn..."

He froze and shook his head at this last line. In the last thirty minutes, the actor had been so entranced by the thought of his beloved son and daughter in a comic series that he had forgotten about the corn Kyouko was cooking. Since Kuon was in there, he naturally assumed she meant his son.

"So wonderful...I like the way it hits my mouth...Although you have to be careful when picking it up or the juices will run out."

_No! No! No! You're too young to do that, Kyouko! Also, why do you keep referring to my son as "it"?!_

"It's so tasty!"

In Kuu's opinion, this was punishment for neglecting to get any information on Kuon for Julie back a few years ago. He fell to the floor, sweating as he continued to hear Kyouko's words of passion. Numbly, he reached in his pants pocket for his cellphone. He ran off into the nearest room for some privacy to call Boss. He was oblivious that Kyouko had went on to say that she enjoyed corn on the cob the best.

**************

Lory hummed to himself as he garnered the attention of the entire staff at LME. He was wearing an odd looking outfit, and as usual it was the talk of the hallways.

"Love me forever, love me for you...Sugar candies and rainbows--"

He jumped at the sound of his ringtone and looked to see who it was. It read Kuu Hizuri, so he hesitated to answer. The last time Kuu had called he had informed him that Ren and Kyouko would spend the week with him. He then went on to brag about them and Julie--typical Kuu behavior. Against his better judgment, Lory answered it anyway.

"Hello, Kuu...Is anything-"

"BOSS! It's terrible! Kyouko is doing things with my son!"

Lory held the phone away from his ear in surprise as Kuu's frantic voice interrupted him. Even though the phone was held away from him, he could still hear as Kuu went on to explain what had happened. Eventually, he put the phone back up to his ear and heard in the background some voices. He strained to hear what they were saying as Kuu started going into hysterics.

"Father....Wh....Do...."

_Ah...Kyouko is talking now. She is probably freaking right about now._

He smiled and hung up, knowing exactly what had happened.

***************

Kuu didn't even notice the conversation had ended. All he noticed was that Kuon and Kyouko were standing outside the door, asking to come in. He let them in and then explained what he had heard...frantically. They both got very quiet and Kyouko's face turned beet red. Kuon only smirked and sighed.

"Seriously, father...I can't believe you would think we would do such a thing."

"Ye-yes! Corn is correct, father,"Kyouko cried. They reminded him that he had asked for some corn to eat.

_Oh...Darn. I had forgotten all about that....Well, at least they weren't doing anything._

Kuu sighed with relief as his worries on the subject were put aside.

"Besides,"Kuon casually went on, "We already did that this morning."

_WHAT?!_

**The End**

**A/N: Putting in the president was so not necessary, but I did anyway. XD **

**I hope I characterized Kuon right. Regardless, I made sure not to have him act like Ren. That is only a facade he puts on in front of the Japanese public. Besides, I like his Kuon personality more.**

**BTW, I sense a pattern in these fanfics. **

**Ren/Kuon always has the last laugh in each of them... O_O;**


	4. Confessions of A Dimwitted Idol

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**Too bad.**

**I would make it really good. XD**

**A/N: Why, yes...Our dear Pochi is narrating this.**

**Poor Shou-chan...**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Confessions of a Dimwitted Idol**

Dear Diary,

Mimori luvs when she gets to go to the Akatoki Agency HQ. Why? Because Mimori gets to see Shou-chan! You see, Mimori met Shou-chan a few months before she started high school. She was wandering around in the hallways at Akatoki looking for her manager when she tripped over some feet. When Mimori looked up, she saw a beautiful boy with blond hair and nice skin!! He was so beautiful!! He reminded Mimori of an angel!! He helped Mimori up and asked if she was okay. Mimori was flustered, but she nodded. It was the start of a beautiful romance. Mimori will sometimes make Shou-chan lunch. For some reason, Shou-chan always wants to eat alone now whenever Mimori makes him some sweet eggrolls. Weird, but Mimori overlooks it! Mimori wishes to be with Shou-chan forever! But there is a big problem! That girl, Mogami Kyouko, is always in Mimori's way. Shou-chan and her used to go out and Mimori thinks that Shou-chan still likes her! Just the other day, he muttered her name out of the blue! Mimori was so angry! That girl didn't even look pretty as the angel and Mimori saw a commercial about "Box 'R' " --she looked like a boy! Why would Shou-chan like that kind of girl?! Mimori is sooooo upset! She will always luv, luv, luv--

"Shit! I can't take this anymore," Shou yelled. He threw Mimori's diary across the room and threw himself onto the nearest chair. By chance, he had stumbled upon her diary while at Akatoki the other day. She had been there to see him off before heading to some live television interview. As she ran out, a pink book fell on to the floor. By the time Shou made it to the door it was too late--Mimori was already gone. Later on that day, as he plopped down on his couch for a rare moment of relaxation, he got out the book and saw that it was a diary because it said "Mimori's Diary, by Mimori! DON'T TOUCH!".

_Pfft...If Pochi wrote in this then the only thing I'll find in it is pictures of ponies and butterflies. _

Lazily, he opened it up and read the first entry--which was written in glittery pink and purple gel pen. He didn't finish it, however, and just threw it across the room. Trying to read that was a sure fire way of getting a headache. Whether this was true or not, Shou had a headache. Knowing that Shoko had gone to do some last minute shopping, he trudged over to the medicine cabinet. Opening it up, he strained to remember what you were supposed to take when dealing with a headache.

"Aspirin...That was it, "he figured out. He took some and gradually felt the headache cease.

The diary was still on the floor, so he picked it up and hesitantly flipped through it some more. The date "10 February 2003" was written in hastily scribbled letters. He read further on...

Dear Diary,

MIMORI IS FURIOUS! Shou-chan really does love that Mogami girl! Why?Why?Why?Why?! What does she have that Mimori doesn't?! Mimori was giving Valentines chocolates to Shou-chan and he was angry as he accepted them. Mimori guessed it was because Mogami was gonna give chocolates to that untalented Tsuruga Ren! No! NO! NO!!! Mimori--

Shou set the diary down again and felt his head start to throb violently. The pain got worse, so he laid down. It still hurt, though. He took one last glance at the diary, and saw the back cover: sick, disgusting images of ponies and butterflies in rainbow colors were plastered everywhere with the words "Mimori and Shou-chan 4-Ever!!!" written in glittery gel pens. He stared at it dizzily, his vision becoming more and more blurred.

Then he had the worst migraine of his life.

**The End.**

**A/N: Ugh...I will never type another Mimori fanfic again. I like the girl, but this was just agonizing. I think I made her a bit too stupid and ditzy, but it was necessary if I wanted Shou to get the biggest headache of his life. Nevertheless, I felt so sorry for Shou. Poor guy. Having to deal with Pochi's diary must have been a nightmare. No one should have to deal with Pochi's diary. :( **

**Want to know why he read it?**

**He wanted to see if any of the entries were about him. XD**


	5. Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 1

**I don't care if you review this or not.**

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me. **

**After you read this, you'll be glad it doesn't. **

**A/N: No, I don't think Taisho is hot. **

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 1**

It was another beautiful day at Darumaya. The birds were chirping, the flowers were in full bloom, and the weekend drunks hadn't arrived yet demanding their sake. Yes, it was indeed an incredibly nice day. For Taisho, however, it was about to get even better.

"Dear, what do you think we should do for Kyouko's 20th birthday,"Okami-san inquired. He looked up from chopping up the meat and grunted. Okami-san sighed and looked towards the way that lead to Kyouko's old room. The girl had moved out and into her boyfriend's penthouse immediately after graduating high school. Apparently, it had been planned since the start of her senior year. Regardless, the couple missed her terribly.

"She said she and Tsuruga-san were going to play some game after coming home from that awards show," Okami-san murmured. Taisho looked up from the meat and asked what sort of game they were playing. His wife was quiet for a moment as she tried to remember just what game Kyouko had told her they were going to play when they had talked on the phone last night.

"Roleplaying...,"she said, absentmindedly putting up some flower seed packets in the freezer. Taisho informed her of her mistake and then continued chopping the meat. He then went on to ask just what they were roleplaying as.

"Kyouko is Yogi the Bear and Tsuruga-san is the Ranger that has to punish the picnic basket stealing bear." She chuckled as she said this and went upstairs to clean out the guest room, Kyouko's old room. Both of them knew what was really going to happen on the night of her birthday. Downstairs, Taisho had quit cutting the meat because he had realized they had run out of this particular spice used in his special stew. If they didn't have that stew, the weekend customers would leave almost instantly.

_Well, I guess I'll have to go buy some more of it. The weekend drunks won't get here until after awhile anyway. _

With that thought in his head, Taisho took off his apron, told his wife where he would be going, and walked out the door. He wouldn't be gone too long, after all. Unless, of course, there was some sort of annoying disturbance. Like a girl from another dimension putting him in a crap fanfiction about his life gone wrong. He shivered just thinking about it--no one had ever forgotten about the tainted chicken Kyouko had accidentally ate...and that was most likely because of some nimrod from another dimension writing an absurd, sadistic fanfic about her.

***************

A man in his mid thirties strolled out of a blue Mercedes in a very "I'm Too Sexy" sort of way. He had long, light brown hair slicked back in ponytail and sparkling green eyes, plus he had a great tan! He was wearing an extremely expensive black suit with gold cuff links. He was wearing black because he thought it would make him blend in with the surroundings. He was extremely wrong about this and was getting many stares from people that passed him by.

"I, Derrick Morison, will most certainly find the last man to compete for the title 'Sexiest Man Alive,"he announced with a fist pumped in the air. His assistant, Cynthia, only pushed up her glasses and sighed. Derrick was a certifiable moron and she would prefer to work for someone smarter, but the pay was excellent and she really couldn't complain. Derrick worked as a host for special events and he would personally search the globe for some average men to compete for the "Sexiest Man Alive" award. Normally, he would choose someone from his own country--United States--and someone else would choose the foreigners, but it was different this time. He would make sure he chose who won and didn't win. They passed by an average, stern looking man and almost ran into him, but no damage was done.

"Sir, We already have every single...Sir?"

Cynthia stared at Derrick, who in turn was staring at the man they had almost bumped into. Derrick's eyes were as wide as saucers and his mouth was wide open. Shaking, he got out his cellphone and dialed a number. Cynthia only stared at him, surprised by his sudden behavior. He could be an idiot, but Derrick never acted like this.

"Yeah, Samsino, I found my last man,"he exclaimed excited, "Yeah, sure...See ya, bye."

As fast as lightning, he darted towards the man and started talking to him. The man got pissed off and angrily brushed him away before walking even faster. Derrick tried again, but got a more negative reaction. Seemingly giving up, he strutted back over to Cynthia and spat angrily.

"Cynthia, I want that guy to compete for the award,"he said, determined to get what he wanted. His assistant looked at him in surprise then at the disappearing figure. He wanted _that _man? That man was wearing an old t-shirt and ugly white pants. Not to mention he looked like he knew how to use a knife really well!

"But...Sir...Why?"

He whipped around in shock and shouted,"Look at his ass! Jeez, woman!"

Cynthia squinted and started looking, but didn't really register what he meant. She looked back up at him and shrugged. Derrick shook his head in disgust and angrily walked back to the car.

"Arrgghhh! His ass is so finely sculpted and shaped! It's a work of art!" Cynthia froze as she finally caught on to what he meant. This man was not serious, was he?

_He...Wants that guy to compete....because of his...ass?!_

Dumbfounded, she watched as he got his cellphone back out and dialed Samsino's number again. His green eyes twinkling, he cheerfully told him about the details of his find. Cynthia could barely hear Samsino assure him on the other end that he would get information about the man and convince him to compete.

"Good. I'll expect him in my office by next week."

**The End...for now.  
**

**A/N: Yes, they were most certainly planning to do _that _kind of roleplay. I should have done the "show, don't tell" concept a little more with Derrick, but I didn't because I don't care. Uh...Yeah, Derrick and Cynthia belong to me...so does Samsino.  
**

**Too bad for me.**

**Next chapter should be up soon. Sorry about taking a bit longer than usual on this. That Mimori's diary fanfic really drained me. T_T  
**


	6. Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 2

**Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**It should, though. **

**A/N: Too bad he can't enter the competition now. **

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 2**

"You drive a hard bargain, Darumaya, but I'm gonna accept it,"Derrick cried, as he shook hands with Taisho. Said person only glared at him, prompting Derrick to assure him that he would indeed keep his promise and buy him that new ultra sharp knife set he had seen on television last week. The agreement was that the asshole--Derrick--would buy Darumaya the knife set if he entered the competition. Cynthia noted all of this in her notebook.

***************

"Yeah, I had to bribe the guy a bit, but he fell,"Derrick bragged over the phone. Samsino congratulated him, saying that it was a good thing the guy had believed the lie he told him. Cynthia rolled her eyes, disgusted with him. Actually, Derrick had to scream and beg to get him to enter, and it was only after that girl, Kyouko, suggested he go for it. The knife set was just the straw on the camel's back.

"Yeah...I know that...Kyookoo's boyfriend, Tsuroogush, will probably win the competition but I had to try." He smirked and hung up the phone. Looking at Cynthia, he winked and did a big thumbs up.

"Don't worry, Cyndi! T'was all me, anyway! You know I'm the greatest!"

He waved to her dramatically and break danced out of the room.

Cynthia's face hit the desk she was sitting at. She was beyond pissed off at this point.

_That bastard...My name isn't Cyndi! I hate him! Hate, hate, hate!!!_

***************

Said Kyookoo prepared the salad as her boyfriend, Tsuroogush, looked on. The look on her face was of annoyance and she opened her mouth to say something.

"Yes, I agree that Morison is extremely irritating...,"Ren muttered, looking up from the book he was reading. They had just gotten there earlier that day to briefly witness the annoyance that was Derrick Morison. Though, how they had managed to find time to actually go to the Darumaya residence earlier than planned was a complete mystery (it was the idea of a deranged and idiotic fangirl writing a craptastic fanfic.).

"Yes...that too, but I was really just annoyed that we can't go home,"his girlfriend muttered uneasily. Normally, she would be thrilled to visit the Darumaya couple, but she and Ren had been planning this night for a few months now. Ren raised his eyebrows at this comment, and promptly walked towards her. He wrapped his arms around her and chuckled. She blushed at the sudden contact.

"Ku-Ren, lay off,"she teased.

"That's not what you said last Tuesday when I came home from that particularly hot shoot for R Mandy." He leaned in to kiss her cheek when their stupid love-love moment was interrupted by some giggling. They simultaneously looked towards the door and saw Okami-san grinning. Ren quickly walked back over to his seat and pretended that nothing happened.

****************

"So, Tsuruga-kun, you'll be staying for dinner,"Okami-san cheerfully asked. Ren nodded, the "Gentleman's smile" in place. Kyouko rolled her eyes but didn't say anything. He caught this and smiled even brighter at his girlfriend. She stiffened and quickly looked the other way. Any more brighter and he'd probably become the demon king. After a while, everything was laid out on the table. They all--including Taisho--sat down and started eating. All was well, until Okami-san mentioned the Friday night cosplay event. That, dear readers, caused quite a bit of an uproar.

"Oh! Kyouko-chan, tonight's the big night, isn't it?" Okami-san grinned at the girl, Taisho and Ren gazing on blankly.

"Eh? What are you talking about,"she questioned.

"Remember? The Friday night cosplay event," Okami-san cheerfully replied. Taisho snorted and ate his rice, not wanting to get into what was about to happen. He already had to deal with that moron Morison and his manipulative friend, Samsino. He wasn't going to take part in the hell that was about to ensue. Besides, he wasn't really the type to tease Kyouko about her personal life. He was the type that liked to nag her about her personal life. Nagging wasn't the same as teasing--in his opinion.

"NO! NO! NO! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, OKAMI-SAN,"Kyouko yelled rather cheerfully in a very creepy way. All attention was brought upon the foolish girl and the older couple couldn't help but grin. Okami-san opened her mouth to say something, but Tsuruga-san's sudden, incessant coughing caught her off balance.

He probably hoped that it would be a good distraction, but what Tsuruga did not count on was choking...on a spoon. His face turned a deep red, then blue, then gradually purple. Every passing second that Kyouko and the Darumaya couple spent staring dumbly at him resulted in an even closer point to death for him. Even worse than death, at this point he would probably have to forfeit the "Sexiest Man Alive" competition. That would definitely be worse than death! His face was now an ugly purplish green and his eyes had rolled in the back of his head. Then, a bit of blood started trickling down his chin. The author wanted you to witness even more of his pain, but she feared she would have to change the rating of the fanfic, so Kyouko unfortunately caught on to the impending death he faced.

"Oh, crap! He's choking! Great, now we can't fu-,"she screamed. Ren started making odd gurgling noises before she finished saying what she was screaming.

"GAAARRRGGGGHHHSSSKKKK,"he choked--but it was a very sexy choke, mind you.

*****************

"Mr. Morison, you have a call from Mr. Samsino,"a stereotypical secretary said over the intercom. Derrick put down the glass of orange juice he was drinking and pushed the speaker phone button.

"Talk to meh, baby,"he exclaimed stylishly.

"Morison, we have a bit of an issue here..." Samsino's voice sounded tensed up, as if something terrible had happened. Derrick's eyes widened and he glanced at Cynthia. She shrugged, not knowing what was up either.

"Don't tell me that they cancelled the competition."

"No, and it isn't a competition. I don't know where you got that silly idea from," his friend replied irritably. Deciding to ignore his sudden change of character, Derrick asked what had happened.

"That guy, Ren Tsuruga, has to miss the awards ceremony,"he said.

"Why?! Did he cancel or something? This is the biggest event of the year,"Derrick cried.

"No, it isn't...That aside, he..."

"He what? Did he get into a car crash or something?"

"N-no....Nothing like that."

"Then what?!"

"He....He...Damn it all to hell! He choked on a spoon!"

Derrick got extremely quiet after hearing this. In his profession, he heard a lot of crazy stories--but never had he heard of this. He snickered, the snickering becoming louder until it was full blown laughter. Even Cynthia couldn't help but giggle a bit.

"So, since we still need a Japanese celebrity for the awards ceremony, I suggest using the singer Shou Fuwa,"Samsino finally exclaimed after they all got the laughing out of their system.

"Shou? Yeah, okay...He's got good looks, so he qualifies,"Derrick said cheerfully. With that taken care of, he then went to get the contact number of Akatoki Agency.

*****************

Meanwhile, as Fuwa Shou grabbed the mike for his latest live performance, he suddenly felt overjoyed for some reason. He let out a big cheer and smiled a dazzling smile for all the fans to see. They liked it quite a bit, and he had to pause before singing the song because they were screaming louder than usual.

_I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, but I like it!_

He would be notified of the awards ceremony shortly after the performance.

**The End...for now.**

**A/N: I was starting to like Cynthia, so I made her an irritable bitch for my own good. The next part shouldn't take as long. I want to get the "Sexiest Man Alive Award" part of this fanfic over and done with...Because I've got a really good idea for another crappy fanfic up my sleeve. ^_^**

**Oh! I didn't actually expect anyone to review/favorite/alert this, but I'm surprised that people have--really...I am. -_- I do appreciate that a good bit, though. It makes me happy to know that people enjoy my story. Thanks so much.**


	7. Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 3

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: My great-uncle is the inspiration for Taisho's attire in this part. **

**I am forever grateful to him. **

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Sexiest Man Alive Award Part 3**

Fuwa Shou smirked and asked Derrick Morison again if Tsuruga Ren had really choked on a spoon. Stories like this were complete gold and if he sold this to the press, who knew what would happen to that guy. Inside his mind, however, he was humming a very different tune-well, it was the same tune, only a hell of a lot louder and more obnoxious.

_I can't believe this! Tsuruga Ren really is that stupid! This is great! I'll sell this to the press as soon I get the chance! Bwahahahahahahaha!_

Morison, who was seated directly across from him, only nodded, slightly irritated. He joked around that the kid had asked him the same question about three times already. It was worse than having Cynthia work for him during her "special time of the month". Shou stiffened at being called a kid, but refrained from saying anything else-lest he ruin his cool image. This Morison guy seemed like he had a sharp eye and might see through him if he say anything else about it. Actually, Derrick wouldn't notice his foot being sawed off unless someone pointed it out. He only noticed what he wanted to or what he really needed to-which in reality was what he wanted but thought he needed.

Regardless, the meeting continued, until Shouko pointed out that Shou had an upcoming interview to get to. Noting this, Cynthia called up Derrick and informed him of it. A few minutes later, Shou walked into the room that Shouko was waiting in and sighed irritably.

_I never thought I would say this...but that damn guy pisses me off more than Tsuruga and Beagle combined._

Shouko was not in the brightest mood herself-she had literally been pushed out of the meeting to contend with Cynthia yapping about how much Morison was a dimwit. The manager wondered why the assistant complained about him so much. From what she had heard, Morison paid extremely well-too well, actually. Deciding to leave it at that, she and Shou walked out to his car and drove off.

"Shou...What did Morison tell you in there,"Shouko asked.

"Basically the same thing the president told me about,"he replied.

"So, the awards ceremony begins in about three days." Shouko sighed and looked out the passenger window at the passing people and objects.

_In any case, the chances of Shou actually winning this competition aren't very high. People from around the world watch this awards cermony._

She froze as the vehicle stopped at an extremely nice chocolate shop. Miraculously, no one mobbed him as he walked in the shop. Be it the power of an idiot fangirl.

Knock! Knock!

"Fwoo isshh itt ,"Ren asked groggily.

"It's me, your lover!"

"Kyoomoo? Youz voize sunds too weirdddzz."

Shou walked in and laughed. Tsuruga Ren sounded ridiculous and he looked the part too. He had a band-aid on his neck where they had amputated the spoon out of. The band-aid was the kind you would buy from the pharmacy aisle in a supermarket. Shou just stared at it for a minute in disbelief.

_Why didn't they just stick their hand down his mouth and yank it out?_

"No, bitch. It's me! Fuwa Shou, your lover's friend!"

Shou laughed and walked over to the nearest chair and sat down. He grinned and handed Ren the box of chocolates and a little gadget then told him to speak through it.

"So, just in case this is actually a fanfic, people won't have to deal with deciphering its unreadable crap,"he explained. Ren looked at him dubiously, but put the device on anyways.

"Hoowwwssshhh-How did you know I was in the hospital,"he asked.

"That moron Morison told me about what happened," Shou replied, smirking.

His rival froze up as he realized that Shou knew about him choking on a spoon.

_Shoot. Knowing him, he'll tell the press about it in a second._

"Relax...I won't say anything to the press...,"Shou assured him. Ren relaxed and smiled, happy that Shou wouldn't say anything to the press.

"...If you let me take Kyouko out to dinner next week after the awards ceremony,"he slyly finished. Ren instantly looked at him in shock and disgust. Unfortunately, the machine he was attached to sensed that his heart-rate was going up. The machine went haywire as Ren got angrier and angrier. Finally, the nurses ran in and hectically called for the doctor, who ran in with some extra strength medicine and a lollipop.

"Waisshh, Shouzzhhhh,"Tsuruga croaked as Shou strolled out the room.

"Waisshh? I guess that's a yes,"Shou exclaimed. He cheerfully walked out the hospital doors and into his car. Driving off, he smiled intensely.

_I am too smart for my own good sometimes._

The day of the awards ceremony had begun...

Incredibly sexy men from around the globe were hoping that they would be crowned "Sexiest Man Alive". They came from around the globe and they were all epically sexy.

"Ladies and gentlemen! THIS-IS-IT,"screamed a stereotypical actress wearing a stereotypical dress.

Derrick smiled as the candidates walked out. 19 beautiful men dressed in extremely expensive suits strutted out, but the last had not arrived. Finally, the man he had especially picked walked out as well. He had on gray sweatpants, neon pink sandals, and a dirty old t-shirt with a tie attached to it. He walked over to Derrick and glared.

"I dressed up like you said, Morison-san,"Taisho angrily said. Derrick grinned and said the outfit was stylish enough. The older man turned away and stomped back next Fuwa Shou, who was cringing at what the old man was wearing. Derrick had a similar expression on his face as Taisho turned his back to him.

_Ugh! He'll lose for sure! Ha! He isn't going to get those knives from me now! _

Derrick laughed and gazed at the stereotypical actress. She waited for the audience to calm down and cleared her throat.

"My name is Steria Tapioca and I will be your host for this year's...,"she paused after saying this for added effect. The crowd got silent...

"...SEXIEST MAN ALIVE AWARD!"

The audience's screaming and cheering was deafening. The men all smiled politely, save for Taisho-who only gave each person a death glare.

Regardless, the awards ceremony had begun.

For 19 men, it meant complete heartbreak, but for one man: It meant international fame.

**The End...almost.**

**A/N: The next part will be the last part in this. The misspelled words were intentional. Not the funniest I've typed, but...**

**Is it wrong that I absolutely adored Shou in this?  
**


	8. Sexiest Man Alive Award Finale

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: Any major grammatical errors you see in this chapter are intentional--any others will be dealt with accordingly. I am also quite aware that "Taisho" isn't his actual name.**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Sexiest Man Alive Award Finale**

International fame was not something that Darumaya Taisho wanted. A knife set and Kyouko moving out of her boyfriend's penthouse and back into their house was what he wanted. He didn't understand why he was being punished so horrifically. He had finished high school, gone through college--a major in becoming a Taisho and a minor in mastering the art of cutting _anything_. The restaurant got good business and was doing even better thanks to the media finding out that the famous actress, Kyouko, once lived there. That said, why on earth was he being punished? Whatever the reason, he was stuck there with the other nineteen suave and sexy men.

******************

One man in particular, Radiocappi Chickiomopi, sighed in a very dramatic way.

"Oh, I doooo wiiissshhh theeeeyyyy wouuulllldddd hurrryyy upppp," he drawled in such a way that it made the author ashamed to type the sentence. Fuwa Shou, who was close by, told him to put the spare translator device--that he brought just in case--on his throat. Radiocappi accepted it and put it on his neck.

"Ooooohhh....Thiissss--This is a nice accessory. It reminds me of great-great-great-great grandmother, Jigobellia. You see, she was..." Shou completely tuned him out and glanced over at the host. She appeared to sound a little mournful, so he listened closer.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as we begin this important ceremony, I have something terrible to announce." The audience hushed after this and everything went completely silent.

She paused for effect, then softly said, "Today...Ren Tsuruga, a famous Japanese actor, was found dead in his hospital bed. Apparently, he was allergic to cherry-flavored lollipops. So he is dead and gone now." The audience got noisy for a minute after Steria finished her depressing announcement.

"Ren Tsurooguh...That some kinda cereal?"

"Betty, look up this here Tsuruger feller!"

"I say, if it isn't my old cousin, Reginald, then I don't care!"

"Naw! Ain't he that dude that played that thar pretty boy in that thar hospital drama, _Trailer_?!"

"Oh my gawsh! No! Ren-kun no kawaii!! Kyaah!!!"

No one understood and no one--except the fangirls--really cared. Most of the audience wasn't from Japan anyway and never heard of the actor before. No one noticed at first that Shou had just started cheering and a single tear had fallen from his right eye. Eventually, some women saw him tearing up and it attracted them. He was moved up to the 4th position.

*******************

After the announcement that nobody gave a shit about was announced, the men were told to line up according to how sexy the audience thought they were. Taisho was dead last, of course, and Shou was among the top four instead of the top ten. This still did not please him, but Ren's death certainly did!

The audience stared at Taisho incredulously and the angry man stared back, hatefully giving each of them the finger. It caused a major uproar and the crowd yelled that he should be kicked out of the awards ceremony. Steria nervously looked back and forth at everyone. The audience screamed that such an atrocity should not be allowed on such a fine stage--especially when he's wearing neon pink sandals to go with the rest of his hideous attire. The veteran actress could feel her heart start to pound.

_No! I've wanted to host this for ten years and this happens?!_

She clenched her fists and shouted, "Please, Mr. Morison and I will attempt to take care of the problem." The audience gradually got quiet, save for a few heated mutters here and there. Steria motioned for Derrick to come to the stage. He walked up and whispered for her to come backstage with him. He already had a feeling what she was going to ask him, after all.

***************

"The audience is adamant that Taisho gets kicked off," Steria cried.

"No. I refuse to allow him to get the fortunate opportunity of getting kicked off," Derrick firmly replied. He was not about to let Taisho out yet--not until he was officially out of the awards ceremony. Plus, he was a little peeved that Steria had not asked him out on a date (which was what he assumed she would ask) and was not in a very friendly mood.

"How on earth do you expect for him to stay without the crowd actually booing him off the stage,"the actress countered. There was a long bout of silence following this, and Steria couldn't help but giggle. An older man walked up to her and hurriedly told her the audience was getting restless.

"Then make the men do a strip tease or something,"Derrick lazily suggested. The older man nodded and yelled for the strip tease to happen. The author would write about the sexy men strip teasing, but that would force her to change the rating of this epic--not really--fanfic.

"Strip...tease...,"Steria said those words slowly, as if they were foreign to her. Her eyes widened and she asked Derrick something. He looked at her for a moment, then nodded hesitantly.

"I have some...But I don't know if they would fit,"he said. He watched as she ran back to the stage, grabbed Taisho, and came running back towards him. The elder man hatefully glared daggers at them, but they disregarded him. Derrick grinned and lead Taisho to the nearest dressing room.

He was about to make an ugly man with a fine ass into a delectable work of art.

***************

Radiocappi swished his head back and forth then sighed. He swung his shirt around in a very "I'm Too Sexy" sort of way. Actually, that was the song that was being played as they all did a strip tease. All of a sudden, they heard an explosion and there were a bunch of sparkly lights. A person wearing tight, black pants and a glittery blouse to cover up any problem areas strutted out. It was none other the rude man from before, Taisho Darumaya. Because of the way the pants were designed, the man couldn't help but catwalk across the stage. Derrick and Steria pushed him towards the runway area near the audience. He flipped around gracefully and dramatically, revealing his finely sculpted derrière. It was, to say the least, an instant hit.

"Holy shit...Betty...Get a load of that guy's ass!"

"Oh, my...It's so...It's a work of art..."

"Isn't that Taisho from Darumaya, Shiko-san?"

"Ah...His ass is so beautiful! I must draw it!!!"

"Mr. Levin, take a picture for our wildly untrue Hollywood tabloid magazine!"

"OMG! No! Ren-kun no kawaii!"

Bright lights flashed like in a cheesy disco movie and the other men, so entranced by Taisho's astonishing transformation, all broke into a sexy strut. They uniformly walked forward then slid to the left and whipped around. The crowd cheered loudly and screamed they wanted more. Taisho gave them a death glare and flipped each of them off--but it would prove to be his future signature move in the future.

It was inevitable: Taisho had won the award--whether he liked it or not.

Everything became blurry after this and the older man felt as though his head was spinning. He started seeing his bedroom, then it would flash back to the audience. His vision got very hazy, then he drifted off.

**--Insert "waking up" sequence here--**

Taisho woke up with a start and looked around hectically. In the background, he heard the phone ring and his wife answering it. He groggily got up from his bed and stomped downstairs.

_There doesn't seem to be anyone stupid here...Was that all a dream?_

Okami-san smiled at him then continued her phone conversation.

"A cosplay event...What kind,"she cheerfully asked. Taisho froze and strained to hear the voice on the other end--it was Kyouko.

"Yogi Bear...Hmm... Well, you must come over on your birthday.'

"No!! She can't!!"

Okami-san looked at her husband with surprise and hesitantly asked him why.

"She just can't, okay? Something bad will happen if she does."

His wife looked at him strangely but relayed the message anyway. Taisho asked for the phone and she handed it to him. He let out a deep breath and said to the girl he regarded as a daughter, "Kyouko, please don't let Tsuruga-kun near cherry-flavored lollipops."

_Unless you want him dead._

The sound of the television made him jump and he looked at the screen.

"Morison-san will be looking for the average man to enter to win the "Sexiest Man Alive" award. Maybe one of you lucky guys will get picked!!"

He froze.

"I won't be going out today," he muttered.

_**--**_**The End...forever--**

**A/N: I hope everyone has enjoyed this story. In the next one, we all get to meet a very special lady from Shou and Kyouko's past.**


	9. Fun With Grandma Fuwa Part 1

******A/N: I do apologize for taking so long to update. The grandmother in this fanfic is an exaggerated version of my late great-grandmother. I miss her so much. :( ****I have decided the Grandma Fuwa story will be split into two parts. The next part will be up shortly...as in a week or so. -_-**  


**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**Because my super secret plan has not...wait-crap!**

**A/N: This is a story about a delightful woman named Fuwa Sakiko. I hope you love her as much as I didn't. Any major grammatical errors are intentional. Any others will be dealt with accordingly.  
**

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Fun With Grandma Fuwa Part One  
**

Mogami Kyouko got out her old book of fairy tales and turned to page 32. She started reading about Cinderella and had a goofy, dreamy expression as she got to the part when the prince danced with Cinderella. She did not notice the old woman that was directly behind her, breathing raspily as she smoked her sixteen cigarette of the day. The breathing got louder, until finally the woman yelled, "Girl! Stop reading those nonsensical fairy tales and massage my feet!" Kyouko promptly turned around and shrieked when she saw Grandma Fuwa's crusty, mildewy, and smelly feet just two inches from her face. The child screamed with such force that it knocked the poor woman down. Grandma Fuwa got up slowly and glared at little Kyouko.

"Child...It's behavior like _that _that will get you nowhere in life...,"she said in a raspy voice, dripping yellow saliva on the extremely expensive carpet.

"Wh-What do you mean, Grandma Fuwa,"the little girl asked innocently. Her grandmother-or rather, Shou-chan's grandmother-started to speak but decided against saying what she truly wanted to say.

_I can't tell this foolish child what I really want to say. I couldn't tell her, "No, you'll never get anywhere in life if you continue to hang around that self-centered grandson of mine."_

Her best approach would be to say something nicer-or rather, something a bit more structured. Nice wasn't exactly a word that Sakiko was accustomed to using, after all.

"What do you want to be when you grow up, girl,"she finally asked, looking down at the six-year-old's face.

Kyouko was quiet for a moment, then her eyes lit up wildly and Sakiko could have sworn she saw hearts and twinkly stars surround her.

_Oh, hell...Not this._

Before she even said anything, the old woman knew what her answer would be.

"A princess! Shou-chan will be my prince and we'll rule the land, hand in hand! Next to the Kingdom of the Fairies-"

_I was right...Why did the child suddenly stop?  
_Kyouko was very quiet and she looked down at the ground, muttering something about "Corn", whoever she was.

"Girl!"

She jumped at the sound of Grandma Fuwa's voice and timidly looked up at her.

"You will never become a princess! If you continue down the path chosen for you, you will end up an old maid! Alone, angry, and miserable!"

An alone, angry, and miserable Kyouko looked down at the chopstick she had just picked up off the ground and angrily shook her head.

_I can't believe Grandma Fuwa was right...And I just thought that after thinking about that kiss! N-no, that couldn't be thought of as a kiss! That was a bastard vacuuming my mouth with his tongue!_

"Um...Kyouko-chan,"a voice hesitantly called out. She looked up and saw herself facing Yashiro-san and Tsuruga-san. She put on a cheerful face and told them she had found her chopstick. She excused herself to get another chopstick and went away, her angry face back in place.

"So, she hasn't forgotten about it after all,"Yashiro sighed. Ren raised his eyebrows and looked down at the substance he was being forced to eat. Could there be anything that could get her out of her angry stupor?

"At the moment, probably not,"he absently said aloud. His manager looked at him and nodded, obviously not realizing what Ren actually meant.

A woman wearing a very ugly kimono stepped out of a junky car and stomped towards the door of LME. Not heeding the warnings of any of the staff, she walked up the flights of steps and barged into President Takarada's private office. Lory, who was wearing a pink flamingo get-up, stared at her for a moment, then grinned.

"Ah, Sakiko-san...You're as blunt as usual,"he said cheerfully, motioning for her to sit down in the chair opposite of him.

"Ah, child, you're as predictable as usual,"Sakiko said mockingly. She got her purse and slammed him across the head, stunning the poor man.

"Get yer ass outta my seat, child,"she snarled. A secretary came in and was about to ask what the problem was, but dear Sakiko had already spritzed the woman with extra strength pepper spray. The woman left, crying and screaming like a baby. By then, Sakiko had gotten her desired seat.

"Sakiko-san, I need your help...It concerns Mogami Kyouko,"Lory murmured, cleaning his profusely bleeding head with a dirty, old rag. The old woman raised an eyebrow, but did not say anything. She already knew what Kyouko and Shou had done a year ago, after all.

_A woman does not spend 113 years on this damn Earth and come away with nothing._

She vaguely watched as the president reached for a tissue paper in order to stop the increasingly alarming wound.

_I knew that those two would shack up sooner or later.  
_

She shook the thought away and looked back at Lory, who was starting to get quite faint. She stared at him for a moment, then sighed.

"Oh, shit. Grandma's sorry, child...She forgot that her handbag had a sharp, broken bottle in it."

"Yea...You'd do well...to..re...member that."

Lory was unable to say anything else as Sakiko walked over towards him and kissed the wounded area.

"There you go, Grandma Fuwa made you feel all better,"she rasped, mucus flying out of her mouth.

It, of course, failed to actually improve the man's condition. Not that it really mattered, since Lory was now on the ground and the secretary from earlier had just called for help.

_Now then...I'm off to go to Tsuruga Ren's dressing room!_

Like she said, a woman does not spend 113 years on Earth and come away with nothing!

****Twenty minutes later****

Sakiko could see the handsome youth escorting Kyouko to his dressing room. The man very obviously gave a "thumbs up" to a fanboy with glasses, who was currently squealing like an idiot. The old woman looked around at the cast and crew in disbelief. She barked to get their attention and they all jumped.

"Y-yes, Fuwa-san?" They had all instantly been told who she was the moment she arrived.

"Tsuruga Ren is a man desired by the women of Japan, right?"

The nervous crowd nodded rapidly and some of the female cast and crew sighed dramatically.

"Yet you don't mind him going into his private dressing room with his favorite kouhai?"

"Well, Fuwa-san, Tsuruga-kun has never actually mentioned Kyouko-chan being his favorite,"one of the actresses playing a friend of Mizuki's whispered.

"I watch _Dark Moon_'s extras and I see how Tsuruga looks at her."

"What ever do you mean, Fuwa-chan,"the fanboy asked innocently.

"Don't call me Fuwa-chan, Four-Eyes,"Sakiko barked.

The fanboy cowered and muttered, "So that's who he gets it from."

Luckily for Yashiro, the old woman was too busy thinking about the extras in _Dark Moon _to actually hear that last part.

_Actually, the extras in that particular drama are extremely shitty. Just some flimsy bloopers and cast interviews._

Sakiko left it at that and prepared to entered the actor's dressing room.

"Noooooo! Fuwa-san, Ren is eating a cookie! You won't like him when he is eating a cookie!"

She ignored the cast and crew and barged into Tsuruga Ren's dressing room.

She would later admit that the scene that she witnessed while entering that room would haunt her for the rest of her life.

**-The End...for now-**


	10. Fun With Grandma Fuwa Part 2

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: The final part is _much_ funnier, thank goodness. Any major grammatical errors are intentional. Any others will be dealt with accordingly.**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**Fun With Grandma Fuwa Part Two**

Sakiko barged into the room and roared as she saw what that pervert bastard was doing to her almost granddaughter. The man had dared to kiss her on the cheek! He had deflowered little Kyouko-chan! The bastard and Kyouko both jumped as they looked into her direction. There was an angry aura surrounding her and the younger woman knew she had seen some "hate spirits" swarm around her.

"She's too young to become a woman,"the old lady screeched. Ren went over and tried to calm the seething woman, but to no avail. Getting her cane, she pounded his head with it.

It hurt like no freaking tomorrow.

"How dare you violate her like that, you lecherous fool," she roared. Getting the broken bottle out of her flamingo pink handbag, she swung it towards him, but Kyouko stopped her in time.

"Grandma Fuwa, no!!"

"Get yer ass outta Grandma Fuwa's way, child! Granny's got to beat this creep to the ground!"

"But all he did was kiss me on the chee--"

Kyouko froze as she realized what she said, and immediately stiffened. Grandma Fuwa looked horrified and could not help but run--or rather, walk extremely slowly--over to her sort of granddaughter and hug her...while pounding Tsuruga with her cane. Apparently, everyone outside heard the commotion and barged in. Yashiro arrived first and freaked out when he saw what was taking place.

"Fuwa-san, no! Ren didn't do anything wrong,"he cried. The old woman glared daggers at him and hissed that he had indeed did something wrong.

"This filthy pervert deflowered my little Kyouko!"

Upon hearing this, everyone got extremely quiet. Ren, who was still quite alert, looked stricken as she yelled this and knew he had to set the story straight before anything happened (at that moment, Yashiro's face broke into a huge grin)...too late. He was unable to find the words of what to say and was left staring around at the stunned crowd. The old woman glared daggers at him and spit in his face. Then she looked around at Kyouko and snarled, revealing dime store dentures.

"Really, child, really," Sakiko barked, "I'm surprised that person hasn't tried to do anything to you before!" Her sort of granddaughter took a step back and gulped.

"G...Grandma Fuwa. All he did was ki-."

"All he did was kill your girlhood!"

"Shut up! Will you quit talking about such a serious matter when all he did was kiss me on the cheek?!"

The crowd got silent as Kyouko's words sunk in. The young woman was enraged, with the "grudge spirits" swarming around her.

"Ohhhh....Such anger,"Grudge One cooed.

"Let's choke the life out of the old hag,"Grudge Two cackled.

They swarmed towards Sakiko, who effortlessly formed a "Hate Shield" and knocked them to the wind. Bits of debris went flying through the brave "Kyouko Grudges" and they fell to the floor with a comical bang.

"Ma...ster...We've...lost the..battle,"they wheezed before disappearing back into Kyouko's body. Now, of course, no one but Kyouko and Sakiko saw the grudges but everyone still felt a sort of gloom fall over the room.

"Grandma Fuwa, why are you here,"Kyouko asked irritably. Sakiko walked over to her and stroked her hair.

"So, what I predicted all those years ago really came true after all,"she said softly, which was basically like a hyena trying to talk. Her granddaughter looked up for a moment and could not find the words to reply to the comment. Luckily, Grandma Fuwa went ahead and spoke for her.

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways because I just got a job that will help make sure you and him resolve these issues!"

"Um, Madam Lady Goddess Fuwa, what exactly is it," Yashiro whimpered. The poor man wasn't sure what was scarier, Grandma Fuwa or a sparkly Ren.

"Well, child, I'm gonna --" The sound of a conveniently placed vacuum cleaner prevented the audience from hearing what she had said. Luckily, the people in the story had heard and did not need for it to be said again.

Everyone froze and the air got very chilly.

Kyouko blanched and slowly whispered, "Eh...but...How?"

Sakiko smirked and rolled her eyes, as if Kyouko asking that very question was stupidity itself. She sighed and decided to answer the incredibly foolish question.

"Lory-kun gave me permission, child." Ren looked in her direction and raised his eyebrows.

"Fuwa-san,"he exclaimed, the sparkly smile on maximum overdrive.

"Yes, ingrate,"she raspily replied. The ingrate went on to ask how on earth the president could have agreed to letting someone like her get away with something like that. The old woman politely responded by pounding him in the head with her cane.

"Oh, trust me, I have ways," she snarled. Somehow, the call they got later on that day about how the president was in the emergency room because of a broken bottle accidentally falling on him about four times answered the question.

**--Meanwhile--**

"Shou, you have a call,"Shoko exclaimed. The superstar grabbed the phone and lazily said hello. His eyes widened a moment later and his hands started shaking while the mysterious person on the other end continued to talk. Finally, the conversation ended and Shoko was left to ask who it was.

"Gr...Grandma Fuwa...The scariest woman in the history of forever," he muttered, still shaking.

"But, what's so scary about her if she's just an old woman?"

"Let's just say that she was one of the main reasons I ran away from home with Kyouko."

"What? She's that bad?"

"You don't know what scary is...Now, she just called to tell me something I'll never get over."

"Um...what?" Honestly in Shoko's opinion there was no way an old woman could be terrifying (the lucky soul had never met Fuwa Sakiko, though, and was so far immune to the terror).

"She's going to be Kyouko's manager."

**--The End--**

**A/N: I had to choose my words very carefully when I was typing this chapter. There was the issue of Ren "deflowering" Kyouko without her permission , which is in itself a very serious matter had he actually done anything. Grandma Fuwa will appear again--she's just too sweet of a lady not to. I will _try _to get a new story up soon. **


	11. Kyouko's Delightful Day

******There will be an entirely different story next time.**  


**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**Each and every night I pray that this will change...*sniff***

**A/N: The most random chapter I have ever typed. Oh my, I can't tell you how wonderful it is to finally be able to express my randomness!**

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Kyouko's Delightful Day**

Mogami Kyouko was having the most wonderful dream of her life. In it, she had finally become more popular than Shoutaro. She was celebrating with all of her friends, but somehow Shou was there anyway.

"So, Shoutaro, how does it feel knowing that I beat you," she tauntingly exclaimed.

Her childhood friend just smirked and lazily replied, "Well, since this is just a dream, I guess don't have anything to worry about, eh?"

"What? Are you saying I'll never beat you for real,"she shouted.

"Yeah, what of it? In truth, you're just a plain and boring woman." With that he laughed and turned into a bunch of tacky neon pink handbags and broken bottles. The next moment, she felt something slam repeatedly against her shoulders.

"Get the hell up, child!"

She woke with a start to find herself facing Fuwa Sakiko, who had recently become her manager. Fuwa-san was actually quite an efficient and responsible woman and really did make a good manager. However, her spirit and temper was a force to be reckoned with. She was indeed one of the main reasons why Kyouko and Shou had left for Tokyo. Shou was not about to marry Kyouko and become Grandma Fuwa's personal foot masseur. Kyouko, on the other hand, just wanted to get away from her because the old woman terrified the shit out of her.

"Oh my god! What the hell,"Kyouko screeched. Sakiko snorted and handed her plate that had a bowl of oatmeal and some prune juice on it.

"Child, you have to arrive at the _Ruckus "B" _location in one hour, get ready!"

"Okay, but it's called _Box "R"_, Grandma Fuwa."

"What the fu-woof-ever! It could be called the fu-moo- ng _High Dollar Chicken "R" _and I wouldn't give a rats a-meow-!" She whipped her head around and instantly threw a glass bottle at Okami-san, who had been the one making the animal sounds whenever the old woman said a foul word. The recipient fell with a sickening thud and her eyes rolled around in a comical sort of way.

**-About two hours later-**

"Would you like to come over with me and my friends to the karaoke bar, Chitose-san," Natsu sweetly asked.

"Um...Well, I'd love to, but I have to babysit tonight,"the redhead replied.

"I'll give you a cookie."

"Sorry, but no."

"She'll give you two cookies,"Kaori exclaimed.

"I'm sorry, the answer is no."

"I'll give you a manicure along with the cookies,"Tsugumi chided.

"I mean it, no!"

"I'll dip your head in acid and gleefully watch as you gargle your way to sudden death,"Yumika cheerfully exclaimed.

"Wait-what?"

"I'll give you ten cookies and my expensive nail polish in "Bubble Gum Fairy Princess Pink","the black haired girl screeched.

"Yes, just please god come over," Tsugumi screamed.

"I can't live without bullying someone-uh, I mean...making friends,"Kaori whined.

"Yes, what they said,"Natsu said dully.

"Uh...Okay, I'll neglect my personal responsibilities to hang out with you!"

"CUT! That was excellent, ladies. I could really sense a deep scene start to unfold. That was quite possibly the most serious scene we will ever film,"Director Anna exclaimed. The guy next to him nodded in agreement and they started whispering excitedly to each other.

"AHEM!"

They turned to face Kyouko's manager and asked what the problem was. Grandma Fuwa angrily rolled her eyes and said," The problem is _that_-she pointed at Kyouko's skirt-is much too short! It should come down to her feet! It's way too slutty for an innocent little girl who was deflowered by Tsuruga Ren just last week!"

Makino and Sudo did a double take at Kyouko, who was still in Natsu-mode, and asked, "Y-you didn't really...You and him..." The young woman looked at them dubiously for a moment, then slowly smiled.

"Actually, we did. It was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me." She watched, amused, as the girls' mouths dropped open. Everyone instantly started listening to the conversation.

She continued, "In fact, we have already done it three times since then. I just can't get enough of him. I just never knew what a man really was until he bore it all." The conversation continued but the author of this fanfic was unable to go any further because it would have been M-rated. That hurt the fanfic writer deeply and she had to take a moment to console herself.

"Ren, what is this,"Yashiro murmured, his voice starting to shake. He handed the actor the latest issue of _Boost_ (a tabloid magazine) and pointed to the headline "Ren Tsuruga Finds Love: His Story of Deep, Fiery Passion with Kyouko". Ren's eyes widened and he tore the magazine out of his manager's hands and began to read the article.

_Cover Story: Ren Tsuruga Finds Love: His Story of Deep, Fiery Passion with Kyouko_

_Boost has finally gotten the story of a lifetime on the elusive actor! Apparently, he and Kyouko-a newbie actress-have decided to fill each other with lust and passion-_

A disgusted Ren set the magazine down and looked down at the cover, which had a picture of a fat guy dressed like him. His "mask" fell off, and he gazed down at the tabloid with a chilling, brutal look. Yukihito caught a glimpse of it and shrieked.

_Crap, crap, crap! But how did they find out about that? Wait-why am I thinking something happened? All he did was kiss her on the cheek!_

The poor man wore himself silly the rest of the day trying to sort everything out.

"What the hell is this,"a fabulous international heartthrob singing sensation in the making shouted. Shou read the contents of the latest issue of the extremely reliable and always honest _Boost_ and roared. His manager ran in and hurriedly asked what the problem was.

"This,"he retorted, handing her the magazine. She read the article, her expression getting more and more doubtful as she read it.

"Shou, this isn't true. There's no way that would happen."

"He's on the cover, though!"

"That's not even him. It's just a fat guy in a wig and designer knockoffs."

"Bullshit, if that's not him then my name is really Shoutaro."

"Um, then your name must be Shoutaro, because that is definitely not him."

He chose to ignore that comment and motioned for her to follow him. Walking outside, they got into the van and drove off.

"Um, Shou, where do you want me to go,"his manager asked hesitantly.

"To the same place where I bought Kyouko those flowers and the chocolate!"

_You may have won battle, but you haven't won the war!"_

Shoko sighed and rolled her eyes. There was just no arguing with this boy. So they drove off into the smog filled sunset, while all the fangirls cheered.

Reino's eyes shot open and he shot up from his coffin. There was a disturbance in the force, as if the world itself was being thrown off balance. He sniffed and gazed around at the interior of the room, but didn't really register it. Miroku looked up from the book he was looking at and asked what the problem was.

"My Kyouko-senses are tingling," he replied. They were sending him one message: She was terrified beyond belief. Using his powers, he was able to find out what happened to the girl. After watching the scene unfold, he quietly closed his eyes and seemed lost in thought.

Finally, he softly said, "That woman, Sakiko, is the most incredible person I have ever seen in action."

"What did she do?"

"She made a chain out of Kyouko's demons and whipped them around Tsuruga Ren, while simultaneously beating him with a steel cane, and threw glass bottles at this suspicious looking reporter."

Never again would he ever desire Kyouko, since there was someone even more deranged than she was.

Life was good.

**-The End-**

**A/N: Will Shou manage to triumph over Ren? Will Yashiro get everything situated? Will Natsu ever give Chitose a cookie? Will Reino ever confess his undying love to Grandma Fuwa? The world may never know.**


	12. My Plastic Goddess

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.  
What a shame.  
A/N: Someone thought that Ren might be given a doll as a birthday present. After making my own humble response and suggestion to that, I merely took the initial thought and warped it into a crappy fanfic.  
**

**--Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True--**

**My Plastic Goddess  
**

It was her exact size. The doll stood about 5'4", complete with 1,000,000,000,005 different outfits and several different changeable facial expressions. Ren could scarcely breathe for fear of terrifying the maker of the realistic doll she had made of herself. Not to mention it was totally amazing she had managed to fit it all into that small package! It was the most realistic false rendition of Mogami Kyouko that the actor had ever seen, and it was his birthday gift! He could scarcely believe his gorgeous, pencil drawn eyes!!!

_Should I dress her up as "Schoolgirl Kyouko" or "Magical Fairy Princess Cindy" _(as depicted by the small descriptions sewn on each outfit)_?_

He chose the schoolgirl outfit and began to put the outfit on Kyouko. Then, without hesitation, the entranced man started to make out with it.

"Oh, Kyouko baby, I never wanna leave you ever, ever, ever again!"

He slobbered all over her plastic lips, tasting the sweetness of the plastic that had sculpted her stick body. Then, he picked out some more outfits and changed her look into "Psycho School Bitch Natsu".

"Oh, Ren baby! You're sooo much nicer than any other guy,"Ren as Kyouko gushed in an unnaturally high voice.

"Yush, dat is right, now give Sweet Daddy a smooch."

With that, "Kyouko" gently kissed him with her elegant, painted on lips, being careful not to let the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Grudge Law" tag inserted into her body come loose. Ren was having a lot fun with this new and fun toy.

--Ten Glorious, Lovey Dovey Days Later--

"Mogami-san, I want to break up," Ren said after dinner with his plastic lover, who had just lost her plastiginity the night before.

"UH, LOLWUT?!" His beautiful plastic Aphrodite turned away, crying tears of water as she asked why.

"It's not working out between us...You're too fake."

"But, I'm real enough for you," his distraught lover moaned.

"No it isn't that..."

"Then what??!!"

Ren looked at her for a moment, and then told her the exact reason why.

"I just feel like this is a one-sided relationship. I'm the only one who ever says romantic things, I'm the only one who ever takes the initiative in the relationship. It's almost as if you are a lifeless doll."

"That's because it is, dumbass,"an extremely popular singer retorted. Ren looked up to see Fuwa Shou and gasped. The singer had apparently been following him for the last few days for unspecified reasons.

"How dare you insult my queen, Fuwa," he screeched.

Shou rolled his eyes and pounded the table with his fists. The doll fell over from its chair and hit the concrete floor.

"She-is-a-plastic-doll-of-the-woman-whose-pants-you-want-to-"

"-try on! Yes, I want to try on Mogami-san's pants. They are very pretty pants, yes?!!"

Shou pounded Ren across the head, and dragged him and the doll to LME, where he was certain they would love to hear _exactly _what had occurred the entire time the man and his plastic lover had been together.

_ Tsuruga Ren is nuts, and I am totally full of win._

**--The End--**

**A/N: I still want his birthday gift to be a piece of chicken.**


	13. Alternate Universe Skip Beat!

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: I've always wanted to write an AUFic! Oh, wait-**

**Oh, and this story will probably scar you for life. Both Fuwa and Tsuruga fans probably won't like it. T_T**

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Alternate Universe Skip Beat!**

It was a great day for AU Kyouko. The birds were chirping and her construction hat was on tight around her long, flowing black head of hair. It had originally been orange, but she had dyed it black because she was awesome like that. No, actually, it was because her two timing boyfriend, Tsuruga Ren, totally broke her heart by going out with his manager, Aki Shouko, behind her back!

"That jerk,"she yelled as she filled in a crack in the ground with cement. Her mentor, Fuwa Shou, grinned at her and told her that she didn't have to do anything else anymore.

"I'm concerned about your safety and I respect your boundaries, Mogami-san,"he cheerfully explained.

"But, I just got here...It would be unethical to quit now,"Kyouko replied.

"Look, woman, take a break or I'll buy you a huge bouquet of girly flowers and a piece of gourmet chocolate then make out with you in front of everyone!"

They were both quiet for a moment, then they burst into laughter. Kyouko knew that her respected mentor would never do such a thing. He was much too concerned about his employees rather than himself to do something so manipulative. Hell, he was voted most likable in the "What If You're All Actually Fictional Characters?" Popularity Contest.

"Okay, Shou. I'll take a break just for you,"she said grinning. She would never use honorifics. That was just ridiculous and since she was AU, she definitely wouldn't use it! He smiled and went back to work. He was three hours early, because he always believed in the saying,"The early bird gets the worm." Of course, he definitely didn't like to eat worms, and was much too bishounen to eat a worm, regardless of whether he was the nicest boss in the world (which he is!) or the biggest asshole on the planet (which he totally isn't!).

They were all working on filling cracks in the pavement and shit when they heard a loud belch and Kyouko and Shou both whipped around only to see Tsuruga Ren, who was munching on some potato chips and drinking a huge bottle of be-soda. The author wanted to tell you how big the soda was, but she thought you could use your imagination if you had one! The author was then throw out a window for insulting her darling readers! So, anyways, Ren was eating those chips and munching on an incredibly huge hamburger, which was actually very huge. About the size of someone's entire face and then some! And it was filled with a lot of dripping grease! He grinned lazily at Kyouko, his beer belly wobbling every which way.

"Hey, toots! Nice *burp* legs,"he said in a raspy voice. She flipped him off and went back to work. She and Shou started talking amongst themselves, until Shou felt a thud against his back and he fell with an "oomph!" Kyouko whirled around and screamed,"The hell did you do that for, ex-boyfriend?"

"Come back to me, baby! Shouko was just my on-the-side girlfriend! Ain't you ever heard of them there types of girlfriends,"he cried. He was so enthralled with talking to her and using bad grammar that he did not notice Shou get up and swing a beam at his head. It hit Ren's head with a squelch and something happened that the author of this fanfic was loathe to describe because it would have instantly caused some people to lose their lunch (and by that, I mean barf).

"Ugh...Shou, you didn't have to ki-teach him a lesson that hard,"Kyouko complained, trying very hard to be serious. He grinned and said,"What are you talking about, Mogami-san? He's already gone." He kicked the corp-still breathing body down the sewer pipe thing and about five minutes later, they heard another indescribable sound. Kyouko rolled her eyes and shook her head. Living in an alternate universe certainly had its ups and downs!

Well, it was just another day at Fuwa Construction, after all!

**-The End...forever-**

**A/N: That was a great story! I need to update this one more often. Blech...Grease is gross. I always blot out the grease from my pizza with a napkin**


	14. Kyouko's Real Father

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: Now, we will know the truth.**

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Kyouko's Real Father**

Kyouko grinned at her sensei and "father", Hizuri Kuu and asked him why he had invited her to lunch. The invitation had been so sudden and out of the blue that she couldn't help but ask why he had. She was still happy that her wonderful sensei had invited her to lunch at the highly publicized and controversial restaurant that made stories about dried paint seem scandalous, though!

He cleared his throat and said,"I...knew your mother."

Kyouko's eyes widened and she whispered,"Is that...really true?"

Kuu sighed and nodded," It's true. Every word. I mean, I was really drunk and I thought she was Julie and then one thing lead to another and then..."

"Oh, so that's how you...Wait a minute-"

Before she could say anything else, Kuu looked at her with an extreme intensity and said fiercely,"Saena never told you what happened to your father, did she?"

She looked at him for a moment and then muttered,"She told me enough. She told me-oh, who am I kidding? She didn't tell me crap."

She looked back at Kuu and asked him what happened to her father. He cleared his throat and asked if she really wanted to hear the truth. She nodded eagerly and he smiled.

"...Kyouko, I...am your father,"he boldly declared.

"That's not true! That's impossible,"she cried, causing everyone around them in the highly stalked by paparazzi restaurant to jump.

"Search your feelings! You know it to be true,"he exclaimed, forgetting his composure.

"N-no! It really is impossible! I got Kuon's DNA results because I wanted to try and make a clone of him (it didn't work) and there is no possible way he and I are related; which would mean you and I are not related!"

Kuu stared at her in disbelief and muttered,"Fine. However, I do know who your father is and what happened to him."

Kyouko looked at him a vibrant intensity and asked,"Tell me who he is, please?"

"Your father is someone you know very well. He worked as a cook in a local restaurant in Kyoto before taking over his family's inn and becoming the cook."

Kyouko froze and she could feel herself turning to ice on the spot.

"...He has a son, your older brother. I think his name is Shokado or something. Your father's name is..."

Kyouko looked a little more relaxed and thought that maybe it wasn't the same person.

"...His name is Bob Fuwa...oh, and I just remembered that his son's name was Shoutaro."

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

**-The End-**

**A/N: Yay! Now Kyouko knows that Shou is her big brother! Uh, and Star Wars parody is obvious, isn't it? I've been watching way too much of that lately. I have a major story for this coming up and it is awesomely epic. You learn Yashiro's secret origin and...Well, you'll see. Till next time.**


	15. Ren's Secret

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: You thought you knew Tsuruga Ren. You were wrong. **

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

**Ren's Secret**

Kyouko flipped through the latest issue of _Boost_ and read the latest lie about her beloved senpai. She couldn't believe that this article was actually making headlines! Not to mention it was talking about her wonderful mentor! One of these days, she was going to get a torch and fill it with the hate of a million Kyouko Grudges, then they would get it!

For the convenience of the audience, Kyouko read the article out loud.

"Ren has a secret, oh yes he does."

"It's a bigger secret than that secret that I shared with you on that romantic boat ride that didn't actually take place. It's a bigger secret than the fact that Hongo Mio is played not by an irresistible young man named Taisho, but by a rising star named Kyooko who-"

Kyouko threw the magazine on the table and hissed.

"My name is not Kyooko!"

Finally, after regaining her senses, Kyouko continued to read the article.

"-is actually acquainted with Tsuruga Ren himself. They have been shown going up to his condo late at night, where afterwards Kyooko looked like she was breathing really heavily. She probably eased his tension or something."

_I wonder what they mean by that? I've never offered him a massage or anything._

If the reader is curious, she was breathing heavily because the sight of Ren smiling catches her off guard and terrifies her. But, then again, he scares the writer of this fanfic sometimes too.

"The secret is...Tsuruga Ren has an evil twin brother! His name is...Ken. Our reliable sources tell us that Ken was recently shown surfing the beaches of the west with his blonde girlfriend, Karbee. Close friends of Ken say that he is a fan of fine wine, romantic walks on the beach, William Shakespeare, and mud wrestling. Ken works at a law firm in Los Angeles, California. Because we all know the only two places that exist in the United States are California and New York! As for his family, Ken and Ren have supposedly been in contact for five years after their father, Tsuruga Carl-"

Kyouko stopped reading the article for a moment and thought that she really liked Tsuruga-san's father's name. It was extremely sophisticated in her opinion.

"-revealed to his son that he had a brother. When we have found out more information, we will post it on our website. Until then, stay tuned!"

She didn't believe the article of course. This was_ Boost_, after all. Still, perhaps she could ask Tsuruga-san about it. She dialed his number and he answered after the fifth ring.

"Mogami-san, what do you need?"

She asked him about the article and was greeted with a long bout of silence. She briefly pondered upon the fact that perhaps the article was true after all. If so, she wanted to meet this wannabe jerk and give him a piece of her mind! However, her intense thoughts were interrupted as Ren answered her question at last.

"The article,"he explained,"isn't true at all."

She breathed a sigh of relief and exclaimed,"Oh, good, because if that-"

"Actually, I am the evil twin brother."

"Noooooooooooo!"

** -The End-**

**A/N: That was a little short, wasn't it? I'm still going to write that Yashiro fanfic. But, good literature ****takes time. Then again, bad literature does too. Also, I haven't forgotten about The Kitchen Games. I will update it when I can. **


	16. Kyouko Finds A Fanfic

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**

** Kyouko Finds A Fanfic**

Mogami Kyouko screamed as a large object hit her head. For whatever reason, a Skip Beat! fanfic novel had landed in the universe of Skip Beat! It was about 600 pages long and possibly incomplete. The name of it was _Blossoming Until Bloomed_ and it was about...her and Tsuruga-san!

"What sort of monster would write such a thing?"

She peered closer at the name of the author and it read: TohkoxKetsueki.

"Now, why does that name make me think of someone who isn't 100% committed to ever finishing anything aside from a one-shot?"

She didn't know why, but she was very curious to see just what evils were in this fanfic about Pure Girl Kyouko and Tsuruga-sama.

"It was midnight and Kyouko was clothed in a silky dress the color of emeralds. It fit well on her slender body and she hoped ever so much that her beloved Shou-"

"WHAT THE F***!"

She was going to slay this witch with the power of Ten Billion Grudges! Hissing, Kyouko frightened anyone who dared cross her path (she was in the middle of the road in a town stalked by papparazi). She didn't know how she managed or why she wanted to, but she continued to read the horror story.

**Six long, grueling hours later...**

" Kyouko knew now how she felt about her tall and handsome employer and moaned,'I am in love with Tsuruga-sama, even though I am his maid and our passion will most certainly not bloom into anything at all. My heart burns to love a man so perfect as he, with such a glowing and gentlemanly smile!' "

Kyouko thought weakly that this imposter clearly had problems. Even if-God forbid-she ever realized she loved Tsuruga-san, she certainly wouldn't act like that!

"Chapter 32: The Return Of Her Old Lover..."

Apparently, Shoutaro got to show up again.

_Well, hopefully it is a glorious scene where I strangle him!_

"...Kyouko gazed in the eyes of her old employer and whispered sweet nothings of immense passion. But, they were all cleverly crafted lies. Shou-sama couldn't possibly realize they would never have a secret relationship again. However, as his warm lips hit hers again, she found herself getting lost in those deeply seductive eyes of his. "

Somehow, Kyouko swore, she would find out just where this idiot lived and she would make sure that the only fanfics this person ever wrote were ones about stupid situations that people wished would never come true! Also, it would be called "Skip Beat! Stupid Situations That People Wish Would Never Come True". For now, she would go back to Darumaya and see if Okami-san and Taisho needed any help.

However, they certainly did not need any help.

"No dear, we are actually planning on closing shop early simply so that the story can progress and you can continue to read the fanfic and the author can laugh at your angst,"Okami-san exclaimed.

"What did you say?"

"What?"

Kyouko sighed, just assuming that reading that romantic literature had fried her brain. Which is exactly why she picked the story back up and continued to read it!

"She had been found out and as that hateful employer chained her to the toilet, she screamed,'I will never love you again, Tsuruga-sama!' But, he only laughed and murmured,'Tsuruga Ren died a long time ago, Sweet Cheeks. My true name is Joshi Doshi and you will always be my slave!'"

_Well, at least there seems to be some action. Hopefully, the imposter will realize that the man is evil and kick him where it really hurts!_

She ended up falling deeply in love with the abusive demon-kind of like the typical love story heroine.

Kyouko trudged on, determined to see this until the end.

"...It couldn't be! Tsuruga-sama was actually Shoutaro-sama's father and Joshi Doshi was Tsuruga-sama's other personality formed after years of repressing his true self...Hizuri Kuon, the heir to the Hizuri Estate!"

Laughing weakly, Kyouko guessed that T.K. was running out of ideas when she got to this point.

"...'Using the power of my love, I will form a barrier protecting the men I love from you, Joshi Doshi!' Kyouko had had it! She was through being this monster's slave and she was determined to free both of the men she cared about! Ren-sama and Shou-sama would be unchained from this evil threat and they would all live together in harmony."

Thankfully, 57 chapters back, it had been revealed that Ren and Shou were not related at all.

Much to the relief of the lovestruck imposter.

"Chapter 199: Secrets Revealed..."

It seemed the awful story would reach its conclusion very soon and Kyouko eagerly looked forward to the end.

" 'I can't believe it, my awe inducing lovers! I will forever belong to both of you! Do whatever you'd like to me,'Kyouko screamed. Shou and Ren grinned and said in a familiar raspy voice at the same time,'Oh, don't worry, baby...We're gonna have a real wild time!' Joshi Doshi was in both of them now!...To Be Continued"

Kyouko flipped to the next page and saw nothing. The story had ended off right there and had not been updated in over a year.

"I hate her so much," she snarled before passing out.

**-The End-**

**A/N: I really shouldn't self-insert, but, does it actually count when you're making yourself out to be a moron and the story itself barely qualifies as actual literature? Oh, and I will never actually write such a ridiculous story-aside from the ones I already write, of course.**


	17. Blossoming Until Bloomed Part 1

**Disclaimer: Skip Beat! does not belong to me.**

**A/N: Now the riveting romance you all read about in the previous chapter is a real story! Uh, it's definitely AU. Like, _seriously_ alternate universe. **

******-Skip Beat! Stories You Wish Will Never Come True-**  
**Blossoming Until Bloomed Part 1**

It was midnight and Kyouko was clothed in a silky dress the color of jade. It fit well on her slender body and she hoped ever so much that her beloved Shou-sama would love it as much as she did. She trailed down the rose covered staircase, smiling just like the fair young maiden that she was.

"Oh, I do hope ever so much that my lord loves it so!"

Kyouko was an aspiring, perky, and feisty young woman with many dreams and aspirations who just happened to be in a romance novel approximately 600 pages long but heavily condensed into a few chapters. She had worked at Fuwa Manor for Shou-sama around several years now and like almost all feisty romance novel heroines, she only fell in love with her employee after he made out with her for the first time.

Shou-sama strutted in the room, wearing nothing but a robe made entirely of diamonds and a blue body suit underneath since this is a T-Rated story and we don't want to give anyone any ideas. With his smoldering eyes of seduction, he pulled her into his grasp and whispered sexily,"You're fired. Get out."

"...What?"

"You heard me. Get the hell out."

Kyouko was completely floored and it didn't know whether to cry or get mad. As soon as Shou-sama dragged in some bimbo with curly hair and a voluptuous body, she started to seethe with rage. He saw her expression and smirked, purposely pulling the bimbo closer to him.

"Yeah, this chick right here is gonna take your place. So, go away."

"REVENGE!"

"Yeah, whatever."

**Three long years later...**

Kyouko had finally been able to find a new job as a maid. She was working for a secretly bitter and angry young man who seemed much older than he really was. His name-or so he said-was Tsuruga Ren and he was the heir to a mysterious fortune gifted to him by his adoptive father. Who happened to be the president of a famous agency.

However, none of this mattered anymore because Kyouko was deeply in love with her new employer and she didn't know it! Even after he kissed her and told her,"I am deeply in love with you and would like to do things that we cannot discuss in this story since it is not rated M."

"No! You could never love a mere peasant such as myself! I am not worthy of your manly perfection, Tsuruga-sama,"she had screamed.

"Uh, okay..."

So, Kyouko had resigned herself to a life of revenge and cleaning toilets.

While cleaning said toilets, she came across a small piece of paper that said,"Meet me on the balcony outside."

Curious, she went to the place-despite the fact that the area was on a neighborhood crime watch and a serial killer was on the loose. She gazed across the grand balcony and saw her employer run up to her. Then, with a mysterious look of angst on his face he whispered,"I cannot live if you do not love me, Kyouko-san. Will you love me as well?"

"We have only known each other for three months and I have never even kissed you!"

With that, Tsuruga-sama gave her a deeply romantic and incredibly meaningful kiss. As she looked into those beautiful eyes of his, she got lost in her thoughts. Kyouko knew now how she felt about her tall and handsome employer and moaned to herself,"I am in love with Tsuruga-sama, even though I am his maid and our passion will most certainly not bloom into anything at all. My heart burns to love a man so perfect as he, with such a glowing and gentlemanly smile!"

"When is our wedding,"she finally asked.

"Um...The rule in an unrealistic fairy tale romance is to generally wait three days to two weeks to get married. You're moving too fast,"he exclaimed laughing.

They laughed together and that night they shared a passionate night typical of a steamy romance novel. If you want to know what they did, then use your vast and colorful imagination.

**Meanwhile, at Fuwa Manor...**

"Hey, just to add some controversy to the story, I'm suddenly in love with my old maid,"Shou said to his new maid. His maid, who had proved to be a very capable and intelligent woman who was far from being a bimbo, just nodded and went back to dusting some expensive vase.

He got up from his diamond covered couch and put on his best suit. In a style reminiscent of James Bond, he grabbed his silver revolver and strutted out of the elegant manor. Smirking, he drove his horse powered carriage to an estate far, far away.

When he got there, he was angered by the sight that he saw.

"My eternal rival, Tsuruga Ren,"he hissed.

Tsuruga's head whipped around and the brunette glared fiercely at the other tremendously perfect man that was wearing a swanky black suit with the shirt loosely buttoned up. There were millions of tiny rubies sewed on his fine attire. Oh, and because it totally matters, Tsuruga was wearing a long, dark grey jacket with a t-shirt and a pair of astronomically tight black pants. It seemed to be Opposite Day for the two men, as they were wearing outfits that the other would normally wear.

"Ah, Fuwa Shou, we meet again,"the other masculine hero exclaimed icily.

"Please don't fight about me,"Kyouko moaned.

"Man, will you stop talking about yourself all the time,"Shou complained.

Tsuruga and Kyouko stared at him for a very long time.

"What?"

They shook their heads and the battle for Kyouko's affections raged on. Suddenly, Shou whipped out a huge sword encrusted with the finest of jewels and inscribed in silver letters were the words _Iway Amway Ethay Osestclay Ingthay Otay Erfectionpay. _He laughed and boasted that no man alive had a sword as gigantic as his. His laughter quickly died as his eternal rival pulled out the biggest sword he had ever seen. It was solid gold and the hilt was covered entirely with diamonds. Inscribed on the sword were the words _Iway Otgay Isthay Ordsway Orfay Eapchay Onway EBayway. _

"With the power of my muscles, I will protect yooouuu,"they both roared.

All of a sudden, they battled each other with such intensity that Kyouko thought she might pass out. She felt very light headed and the sight of two men battling made her want to cry. Like a typical damsel, she did absolutely nothing to alleviate the pain and fainted.

"Kyou...Ky...Kyouko!"

Our enchanting heroine awoke to the angelic sight of her lover, Tsuruga-sama, and her ex-lover, Shou-sama. She was still quite faint and in her eyes, the two men appeared to have golden halos behind their magazine shiny hair (that could be fixed by taking a nice shower, but not together because we don't want to give anyone any ideas). It was really from the light bulbs but in her dazed state, Kyouko wearily thought that perhaps she had died and gone to heaven.

"If they have kittens playing with toys in heaven, then I am yours forever, beautiful angels,"she moaned.

Shou snorted and said,"I'm in your heaven?"

The distressed damsel's eyes widened at that and she sat up, roaring,"I must still be alive, then!"

"Wait, you automatically thought you were alive rather than in hell,"Ren mentioned, quite confused.

"...Because you are here, my extravagant lover!"

Not wanting for the lovebirds to go into anything ridiculous, Shou remarked," You know, it's kinda possible that you're just a hallucinating fangirl dreaming about Tsuruga and how he falls head over heels in love with you. So maybe you are-"

"And it's kinda possible you're a sexy asshole,"she yelled victoriously.

"Got that right, baby,"he roared.

"Ahem, the story is about me. Not you and Fuwa or you and anyone but me,"Ren ever so politely pointed out.

"What? No, the story is about me and how I am trying to find myself, Tsuruga-sama,"Kyouko explained.

The tall employer laughed and exclaimed,"No, no, no. You may think it is about you, but the majority of fans will tell you otherwise."

Shou snorted and muttered,"Who died and made you the king of pretentious asswipes?"

An eyebrow raised, Ren shot back," Says the hypocrite."

"Dude, look, I have put up with your shit and your fangirls' shit for the longest time and I am sick and frickin' tired of it!"

His eternal rival cracked up and replied,"Good luck getting the author of this fanfiction to make you...you...thaaa...the...vic..tor...of...Kyo...Raaggggghhhhh!"

In a flurry of sexy angst, the man that makes Adonis look like the ugliest man in the world fell to his knees and fainted. Oh, wait. That's too girly. He passed out. Yeah, that is much more masculine.

"How could you Shou-sama,"Kyouko screamed.

"What the hell did I do,"Shou demanded.

He paused and looked over at Tsuruga and snorted.

"Oh, wait, sorry! I mean 'What the hell _didn't_ I do,"he exclaimed before getting hit in the head with a porcelain toilet. He groaned in pain and glared hatefully at the raging goddess. He fought the urge to smile because if he admitted that he thought she was hot right now, he would sink down to Reino's level. That would be sinking way too low.

"That is for making my lord pass out,"she screamed valiantly. The power of love would prevail!

"I didn't make your _lord_ pass out, idiot,"he screamed back.

Arguing as loud as they were, they never noticed him get back up and approach them.

"Hey, Pretty Boy and Sweet Cheeks, how 'bouts y'all invite me to this party?"

** -To Be Continued-**

**A/N: They really were using swords. Ridiculous swords full of innuendos, but swords nonetheless. There is only going to be one or two more parts of this, by the way. Oh, and words were in Pig Latin. At least I hope it was.**


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